


The Turkey Baster Method

by Osmo_sis



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Daniel's dark past, Danvid, David and Gwen's frienship isn't awkward until Daniel makes it, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Gwen's POV, Jwen, M/M, Pregnancy, Softporn, Surrogacy, Swearing, a lot of anxiety, a pathetic try to be funny, bisexual and pansexual empowerment, but only softporn I guess, casual fourth wall breaking, duh - Freeform, everybody's unnecessarily dirty and vulgar, gay relationships, gwenvid - Freeform, romcom, they're all doing the dirty, this fanfic is basically the "friends" theme song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 10:09:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16532534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Osmo_sis/pseuds/Osmo_sis
Summary: Gwen finds her life in unstoppable, anxiety stirring change when her boyfriend suddenly breaks up right after losing her job. The fact that she now has to celebrate her 30th Birthday living on her ex and best friend David’s couch isn’t overly helpful. But then, out of the blue, David asks her to be the surrogate mother for his and his husband Daniel’s long-awaited child and Gwen seems to finally have found a purpose. If there just weren’t the casual twinge of panic, Daniel’s rather suspicious behaviour regarding his past and his unbelievably attractive, younger sister flirting with Gwen, their domestic happiness would be perfect.





	The Turkey Baster Method

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know, I actually have other stuff to do/other fanfics to continue writing, BUT this idea spooked around in my head for too long so here we arE ENJOY. I mainly write this for my own entertainment and I never was that much of a perfectionist, so please excuse me for possible writing errors, bYE

### Chapter one - "Help, help, I'm being repressed!"

“I’m afraid but I fear we actually have to let you go, Grace.” “...What?”

Gwen’s eyes opened wide in confusion and bubbling anxiety which hit her face like a boiling pot of water. Her shatteringly much younger boss awkwardly smiled into the witch’s cauldron that was her personnel file. 

 

“You have to understand, Gretchen, the economy’s really bad these days” pimple face cawed and scratched his chin on which he proudly let his presumably first beard sprout – which looked more like pubic hair in his face than anything else in Gwen’s opinion. 

“Cuts are being made. Budget. Staff. And after consideration and many, oh so many discussions, it – sadly- came to you.”

 

“You can’t be serious” she stuttered, not sure whether she should fall on her knees or pluck out pimple face’s entire pubes whiskers with a rusty pincer. 

“Hey, this is really hard for me too, okay?”  
Ah yes, the rusty pincer.

“And you see, to be honest, you haven’t been the most productive of our employees. In fact you took the most sick leave days and your work performance also leaves much to be desired...”

She felt first hot tears welling up in her burning eyes.  
Oh no, she wouldn’t cry.  
Not here.  
Not right now.  
Not in front of pimple face. 

“Don’t look at me that way, Gina, please. You know what? I’ll tell my assistant to write you a reference letter, if you want, alright?”

The first trembling howl shot out of her simultaneously with a fountain of tears and snot. 

“Oh gosh, don’t cry, you’ll be good. Here, take one” he hushed her and then handed her a box of tissues that was conveniently placed on the desk, but after one disgusted glance at her swollen face, he changed his mind. “Ah...just keep the box.”

 

The next wave hit her when her spoon reached the bottom of her gigantic ice cream cup just in time with Bella revealing that she knew about Edward’s vampiric secret. 

“Shit” she sobbed once more - wearing no bra and only an oversized, washed out shirt - while watching these beautiful young teens finding eternal love and lifelong happiness. 

She couldn’t remember a moment more miserable in her life than her starring at Kristen Stewart’s pretty pale face while her jobless, ugly gremlin ass cried on the sofa. 

Well, actually she could come up with many of those situations but she refrained of thinking of them for her own good. 

She wrapped herself in a fluffy blanket and looked up to the little sad light bulb that was hanging lonely from the ceiling. Its dim lighting blurred through all of her salty tears, the fuzzy circles of light mockingly danced in her watery vision. 

She would have to go look for jobs again.

Thousands and thousands of job interviews, brown nosing and – the fucking worst of all – calling strange people on the phone.

Letters of refusal, rejection, humiliation flooding her mail box. 

She already saw herself working at McDonald’s until retirement.

How should she tell her parents about this? 

Her boyfriend?!

How the sweet fuck were they supposed to afford this shit hole of an apartment without her additional wage?

When would she finally learn how to maintain life like a responsible adult? Would she? HOW?

And how is she supposed to breath with all this weight pressing every little bit of oxygen out of her shivering body?

God, why did she get a degree in literature?!

All of this found its culmination in the picture of her pimply ex-boss floating around in her fuming head, squeezing every little concern out of her.

The only thing that could and did burst her little bubble of anxiety and self-pity was the disappointed sigh she heard from across the room. 

 

It was her boyfriend, Andy.  
He just stood there, leaning on the doorframe. Clearly pissed. 

 

In this moment she really needed him to hold her.  
She needed him to tell her that everything would be okay.  
That they could do it as a team.  
That she was a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman.  
And that she would eventually find her own way to tear down the things holding her back just so she could blossom in the stunning goddess she actually was, of course with him on her side, loving and adoring her, but...  
He didn’t. 

“Twilight again, huh?”  
“...”  
“So what is it this time?”  
“...they threw me out.”  
“Hm.”

He still just stood there.  
The room suddenly felt really cold, despite her clawing into the soft blanket. 

“Surely you already told your ex about it, didn’t you?” he tried to provoke. 

Offended, she wiped her tears away. 

“As a matter of fact, I didn’t. Why do you have to bring that up _now_?”  
He scornfully snorted.  
“Oh, I have so much more to bring up than just your fruit cake of an ex-boyfriend, darling!”  
“Excuse me?!”

Again, she felt tears in her eyes, but this time it wasn’t for sadness but flaming hot anger and rampage. 

“Yeah, excuse you! Do you actually know how fucking fed up I am with your bullshit? Every single damn time I’m coming home I find you crying like a baby about so fucking unimportant stuff, I can’t with you. That’s so unattractive; you do realize that, don’t you?”  
“Shut up!”  
“Oh, you know, I can’t even be mad at you for not letting me touch you for weeks anymore. I’m so done with all of your pity and your endless crying, oh God!”  
“How dare you talking to me like that when you know how I feel?”  
“Right, it’s always about how _you_ feel, Gwen, I forgot the entire world revolves around just you!”  
“I never fucking said that?! I just meant that you’re an insensitive piece of shit?”

He laughed again.  
Gwen couldn’t define this nasty feeling that crept up her spine, but she sure felt pathetic whilst she furiously panted combined with a sweet teen love scene playing in the background. 

“You’re-...You’re just so...Oh, just fuck off, I don’t want to see you ever again” rage blazed its way and it felt like flames flickered out of her mouth.  
“Damn, finally something we can agree on.”

 

Actually she wasn’t sad. 

She’d known this was going to happen eventually and she honestly hadn’t been interested in some kind of countermeasures. 

It wasn’t true love stabbing and bitching her heart into thousands of broken pieces. 

In fact she was pretty sure he’d been cheating for a while by now.

And even that wasn’t the cause for her entire body cramping like she would be giving birth to all of her resulting profound disappointment and bitter mistakes pressed into a corrosive bowling ball.

She was _scared_. 

She was so scared of being alone, of _dying_ alone that it actually took on abstruse features such as in a mean itsy bitsy teeny weeny voice telling her that all of her friends would secretly hate her. And in this whole whirl of anxiety, fears about the future, jobs and family, worries and dread...  
...it seemed to make so much sense for everybody to fucking despise her in her own head. 

 

So when they decided they were through and Andy would go to sleep over at a “friend’s place”, it was no wonder Gwen crawled into an embryonic form and rocked herself forth and back.  
What else was she supposed to do?  
Not have a panic attack?  
Actually give stuff a calm and reasonable thought?  
Gwen decided she never heard of that. 

 

Out of the blue though her mobile phone started to ring and the Spice Girls’ song “Wannabe” accompanied her ugly sobbing. Choosing this song was a crucial mistake – she never actually wanted to answer the phone anymore and rather screech to the girl band’s hit.  
Despite this she still picked up the phone from the little coffee table and didn’t hesitate to press the glowing green button after seeing the caller’s name.

She awaited David’s daily call like the saviour’s arrival itself. 

 

Of course he immediately invited himself after hearing the first little bit of weeping and soon there was a worried redhead to be found at her doorstep.  
“Gosh, Gwen!!!”

He was already fully packed with his pyjamas and an alarming amount of chocolate and ice cream. Gwen hated the stereotypes about whiny women stuffing themselves with sweets in times of distress but there was no doubt about the magical effect of a full stomach-

 

“I mean, you have to look at the bright side, Gwen!” David sincerely tried to cheer her up while opening the first package of sugary sin, “we both had a weird feeling about him and now you’re free to go! You have so many possibilities and new people to meet! Isn’t this amazing?”

“That’s the problem, David. I don’t want possibilities.”

“Well, but...”

“I’m just so tired of trying new stuff.”

“But how are you supposed to actually find happiness if you don’t look out for it?”

That hit home. She took a big bite out of the chocolate bar.  
She didn’t feel like disagreeing again. She wanted to accept David’s help. Even if everything in her seemed to resist. 

 

David carefully took her small, tender hand and gently stroked it; his eyes cautiously searched hers and when their gaze finally met and Gwen directly looked into wide, fresh, familiar meadows, she felt her face softening.

“You know I always have your back, Gwen. No matter how you decide to live your life in the end. But sometimes I just can’t help it but I want to...nudge you in the right directions.”  
“Davey...”  
“But who am I to define right and wrong?”  
He briefly sighed in uncertainty how to put his thoughts into words.  
“What I’m trying to say is that I think you reached an impasse and you need to get out. But I’ll always gladly be your reverse gear- okay that metaphor doesn’t work, but you get me.”

_Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, Gwen, I swear._

“Thank you” she snivelled and pressed her puffy face into his shoulders that wilfully accepted her longing embrace. 

It would be weird to say it out loud, hell, to even think about it since it would make things between Gwen and her best friend just painfully awkward, but sometimes she just missed their relationship. Thankfully for the same reasons why she had stayed together with Andy for so long. 

“You’re too good for this world sometimes, David.”

David wasn’t merely the best friend Gwen could imagine but also a successful environmental attorney, always believing in the good and caring too much for people who didn’t deserve it. It was almost ridiculous how _nice_ David was. 

“Oh, hush” he blushed, “but being on the subject of change; I actually wanted to make you an offer. Would you like to stay at our place a few nights? I don’t feel well knowing that you’re all alone here.”  
“Don’t you think your sweetheart’s going to be pissed off by an intruder blocking your couch?”  
David laughed in a sweet, lovely way.  
“Don’t worry about him. He won’t mind. I mean, he likes you!”

Another ridiculous thing about David was the fact that he actually believed that. 

Daniel had never been that fond of Gwen for...various reasons. But it would take away the joke to talk about it already in the first chapter, wouldn’t it?

Gwen already scanned every little dusty corner of her mind for an excuse to politely say no. Without success, as David had made a point. 

Alone, she surely would dry out and die like every houseplant she ever chose to possess.

“Maybe you’re right, David.”

“Oh, really? I mean...I’m glad you think so!”

“What bad could it bring?”  
Yeah, what bad could it bring to live together with the most disgustingly enamoured couple to ever walk on this planet?  
“Alright, I’ll stay at your place.”

David excitedly clapped his hands together. 

“Amazing! We’re going to have so much fun!”

“Yeah, sure!”

In this moment Gwen didn’t know that the term “fun” would prove itself to be a _very_ loose concept throughout the next year. 

She only knew she needed some more milk to those Oreos.


End file.
